The absence of an enthusiastic yes, is a no.
The absence of an informed yes, is a no.
The absence of a sober yes, is a no.
The existence of coercion, is a not a yes.
The existence of manipulation, is a not a yes.
The existence of guilt, is a not a yes.
A no is always a no. A yes is only a yes if it stands up by itself, without force or persuasion of any kind.
taking a picture and not knowing the flash is on
I am writing this down because I have reached an all-too-familiar point of desperation, a painful combination of fear, loneliness, and insecurity. I am sick of the anxiety, the depression, the terrifying expectation that I will be abandoned. Two days ago my boyfriend told me he felt like a hostage of my emotions. I tried to shut them off, but I couldn’t. It was like I was drowning in sadness and I just couldn’t understand where it was coming from. I tried breaking up with him, but he wouldn’t let me. He is the most dependable person I’ve ever met, and I’ve never trusted someone this much in my entire life. I don’t think I would be able to handle losing him right now, so I need help. I need things to change.
I am sick of being an emotional burden on everyone close to me. I am sick of exhausting myself from this seemingly endless quest to be exactly what everyone wants me to be. I feel conflicted and full of doubt. My entire life has been spent clinging on to an emotional roller coaster, chasing abusers for that little taste of love and affection. They’ll put up with me because they know they’re broken too, and that isn’t what I want for myself. No one wants that.
I’ve had therapists tell me I’m bi-polar, depressed, obsessive compulsive. I’ve been told I have generalized anxiety and PTSD. These labels do nothing but fill me with frustration and a desperate hunger for normalcy and stability. The more issues I recognize, the more guilty and fearful I feel. I am terrified of losing those close to me, but I also push people away. I regularly tell myself I hate myself, and I am constantly changing things about my appearance to feel like I’m being me. Please help me. I feel caged in. I am sick of being laughed at, being called crazy, and never finding stable footing. I am a hostage of my emotions, and I have been since I can remember. I refuse to hold anyone hostage anymore, including myself.
my heart’s like a firefly chasing the sun.
you look like home but I’ve nowhere to run,
no ground to land on except imminent death,
and in your absence I have nothing left.
my heart is a cloud just waiting to rain,
so swollen with water, so heavy with change,
threatening flooding, a bleak ocean floor.
don’t kiss me again until you know for sure,
because girls like me don’t lock their doors.
you look like the crystal has chewed you up and spit you out
I’m losing you again.
I can’t deal with this pain on a constant basis. The highs are high, but the lows… I didn’t know I could even be this low.
My heart is like a firefly chasing the sun. No one can see me. I just want to be part of something bigger than me. But you don’t see me. You can’t.